Why no more Xmas JAV?

Published : December 21st, 2023 Written by Anton Algren

So this is Christmas. At least I hope it is. I’m squeezing this article out the week before the big day, so I’m hoping it gets posted on either the 24th or 25th. And if not then, at least in some point during the general Christmastide timeframe. If not then, perhaps next year in July for our Aussie readers? But I’m getting ahead of myself. Ultimately when this article gets posted is beyond my control, so worrying about it is rather pointless. All I can do is focus on the issue at hand, that being an issue I’ve noticed that I’d like to rant about.

You see, readers, I am pissed. Royally pissed. For you Commonwealth readers, “pissed” means angry in American English. And save your “Last night I got so angry I took off all my clothes and started dancing on the table.” jokes for another day, I’ve heard them all before. No, the reason for my being pissed is nothing to do with drink, but rather the dearth of a certain subgenre of JAV in the DMM catalog (for you Commonwealth readers, that’s catalogue). Namely, Sexy Christmas porn.

When I type “Christmas” into the DMM search bar, I get a mere 1 result, and from 2008 at that. When I type “Santa” into the search bar, I only get 5 results, the most recent one being from 2018. Browsing through the DMM home page, oh by gosh by golly I can’t even find a single Christmas video showcased! Where’s the mistletoe and holly on the page’s aesthetics? Where are the Christmas specials? Where are the holiday hussies proudly on display all over DMM? Why, I don’t think there’s even a special Christmas display at the local Kaitori Max! I say I don’t think because the closest KT Max is at least an hour away from me, so, like, I could check, but… look, even if I did check my point still stands.

Christmas is a gold mine for plots and play in the American adult industry. If I go to a site like Brazzers or Bangbros, I can always find a new series of Christmas specials and sales this time of year. So why is there none of that at DMM? Why are top actresses like Yui Hatano or Eimi Fukada not making premium Christmas content or campaigns for the JAV industry every yuletide season?

Some might say, well, you know, Japan isn’t a Christian nation. It doesn’t have the same reverence for the holiday that you’d find in Western countries and cultures, so that’s probably why it doesn’t feature as prominently in Japanese adult content. But I must object to such a blasé hypothesis. After all, despite Christianity still running strong in the West, most Christmas porn focuses solely on things like sexy Santas and Christmas office parties, rather than the Christian religion. After all, how many of our readers want to be reminded of Jesus when they’re jacking off? Maybe a sexy priest or nun, sure, I can understand that. But nobody wants the ultimate personification of religious-based judgment present when doing something most of us were judged harshly for when we were growing up. Forget your average porn set crew, it’s even harder to get a boner when Jesus himself is watching. No, though there’s plenty of Christmas porn out there on the internet, Jesus is nowhere to be seen in most of it. And I only say “most” instead of “any” because I know from Rule 34 that there lies in some deep, dark corner of the internet some sacrilegious sauciness made for the holiday season.

No, even if the Big J is not really a thing in this country (save for places like Nagasaki and such), Christmas is still a big deal. Why, when this article comes out, I should be having some Kentucky For Christmas, and topping it off with some Christmas Cake and some special Christmas flavor 31 Ice Cream, before snugly returning to my couch with a warm blanket and cocoa to watch some Christmas anime. Christmas is very much alive and well in Japan, so why no Christmas porn?

You’ve heard of elf on a shelf Kentucky for Christmas, but what about a Kreampie for Christmas set of JAV specials? (Yes I know, Creampie begins with a C, but if they’re going to keep spelling Harem like the neighborhood in New York in official JAV film titles, I think a little 90s spelling is forgivable) Where are all the sexy Santas, damn it? How is sexy Santa not a rite of passage for JAV actresses? One of our writers, jwlim80, suggested the genius idea of a Christmas Carol parody, where the actress not only must endure the crucible of a train ride, as it were, but must do so with each of the train cars in Christmas spirit cosplay. And if we’re doing parodies of famous Christmas stories, why, the sky’s the limit!

A Christmas Story, where the leggy lamp comes to life and fucks a Darren McGavin stand-in. Rudolph, but it’s a beautiful human woman wearing antlers and a cute red nose (we don’t wanna get too weird here). Die Hard! A female John McClane fucks her way through all of Hans Gruber’s men, until she finally takes down the ringleader himself and saves the hostages.

What about songs? We’ve got “Santa Baby”, surely that could be transmogrified into a JAV film. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”? I mean the JAV plot there practically writes itself. And of course, let’s not forget the one, the only, the song you hear constantly in this country every Christmas, “Last Christmas”. A sad and lonely lady is sitting in her room, lamenting the love she gave a man who did her wrong, and wondering if she’ll ever find a man who loves her back, only for a handsome stranger to come around and sweep her off her now-spread legs. Yes, yes, I know, that may be a little more romantic than what most of us want from our JAV, but surely you must agree that this sounds like a perfect plot for yer man Ittetsu, can you?

Hell, if we are looking into the more romantic side of Holiday stories, why not bring a few Hallmark Christmas Movie plots to JAV? Just imagine it, a strong, independent career woman from Tokyo goes back home to the inaka for Christmas to visit her folks and ring in the New Year, only to find a handsome hometown hunk who runs the local shrine everyone goes to for New Year’s, and his rustic, slightly chauvinistic but ultimately charming ways win her over, and then they have sex multiple times and it’s great and it ends with them ringing in the New Year together, as everyone drinks some amazake and, I dunno, maybe a mischievous Shrine deity looks on proudly like Santa does in those Hallmark Christmas movies or something. Surely there’s legs to that idea! Don’t tell me you haven’t watched a JAV or two that left you with the same opinions as Ted Lasso on the quality of its plot and characters.

I don’t know if this message of mine will reach the appropriate channels to make a change in the JAV scene. I don’t know if June Lovejoy themself isn’t trying to incorporate more Christmas-themed smut into JAV. I don’t know if our readers are even still with me, or if they clocked out some time after I mentioned a sexy Rudolph. But I hope that someday, somehow, there will be a wider selection of sexy Xmas smut in JAV than the scant vids I could find on DMM this Christmas. Who else is with me? And what Christmas JAV would you like to see more of? Please, let me know in the comments, and I hope you have yourself a Merry little Christmas now. Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


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