ZENRA | Some Sexy Xmas JAV Ideas

In my previous Christmas article, I lamented the lack of JAV Christmas films out there, and proposed a few basic premises for some saucy holiday JAV plots. For this article then I’d like to expand that idea into some actual, proper pitches for JAV. I am not a director or writer for any JAV studio. I do not pretend that I could do better than whatever staff writers for S1 or such could come up with. But I hope at least one of these ideas tickles our readers’ fancies, and is maybe even something they’d genuinely like to see a JAV studio put out. One can dream. In the meantime, let’s get started on this list of ours!

Harem - Santa's Sexy Elf Harem

I love the harem genre of JAV. Maybe it’s simply the fact that I’m an absolutely massive dude and these JAV actresses are all quite dainty and petite, but the fantasy of a group of beautiful, sexy women numerous enough to pick me up and have their way with me is one of, if not the, most powerful of the fantasies I have. When I met with Shimiken, he mentioned that with my body type I’d be ideal for lolly content, and I have to admit, if my signature were to be something like a Little Devil Harem series, I’d seriously consider entering the JAV field. Perhaps that should be a future list of mine, scenes or genres that I would like to do in a hypothetical JAV career. But of course I’m getting ahead of myself. Not just in fantasizing about what I’d do in a job I do not actually have, but in getting sidetracked when I should return to the initial task I set out to do.

So! For this porno premise, Santa has had a long day at work. As Neil Gaiman would say, he envies Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas, for his punishment every Christmas season is harsher, having to bring toys to every good girl and boy of the gentile persuasion in a single night. But as Christmas Day dawns, and he returns to his little shop in the North pole, our sexy Santy Claus is greeted by his loyal and faithful elves. And y’see, they wanted to thank him for all his hard work. They know it’s no easy thing, making all those toys, but they know that Santa works twice as hard as they do, having to coordinate shipping and deliver all the toys the elves make. So that’s why, this year, all the elves at Santa’s workshop have decided to get together and give Santa his own special, Christmas gift.

Of course these elves are neither diminutive gonks nor eldritch fae as one might suspect from the Santa Claus myth. This is a porno after all. No, these elves are all petite and beautiful ladies. Think less Carl Banas from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and more Emilia Clarke from Last Christmas. And while Santa is typically long-toothed and long-bearded, I don’t think there are any JAV actors out there who could grow a full beard, much less one of Santa’s length. No, better make it a fake one he can take off at some point (or keep on, either way, I’m not the director, only the ideas man), and if we’re changing that aspect of the source material, we might as well make this Santa spry and fit as well.

So now we’ve got a spry and fit, potentially beardless Santa, getting up to naughty shenanigans with a bunch of cute, sexy elves, but where would the various locations be? Santa’s workshop is the obvious choice, amongst the tools and toys and other assorted things. And since this is a Japanese Adult Video, and Santa’s had a long day at work, it makes sense for this Santa to have a Japanese bath, in which he and the elves can get up to some sudsy, sexy fun. But where else? Outside in the snow, perhaps? Or maybe in Santa’s sleigh. Wherever the places, I think I know where the penultimate and final locations would be, and they’re related to the lone cast member we haven’t accounted for.

Yes, at some point, Mrs. Claus shows up, wondering why Santa is still dawdling with his bag after coming home. But, unbeknownst to Mrs. Claus, Santa has several elves nestled in his magic bag, and they’re blowing him in secret whilst Mrs. Claus is none the wiser. From then on, it becomes a game of keeping their sex a secret, before the last scene, where a mischievous elf distracts Mrs. Claus so that Santa and the other elves can use the Claus’ bedroom.

Lest your moral objection to infidelity start to kill your arousal, dear reader, let us detail the stinger, the final lighthearted moment to take place after the last cum has been shot, which delivers an amusing punchline to punctuate our porno’s plot. Yes, in this case the stinger shall be Mrs. Claus, entering the bedroom. And instead of being upset over her husband cheating on her, she’s more incensed that the elves didn’t coordinate with her first. After all, she knows exactly what her husband needs to relax, and can satisfy him far better than any of his elves, even with their powers combined. Santa sighs and shakes his head, but he also smiles. Christmas Eve may be over. But it looks like his hard job has only just begun.

Lesbian - Little Lascivious Match Girl

So, I don’t actually watch that much lesbian porn. Whenever I do check it out, it’s usually just because I like both of the actresses involved, and I enjoy seeing both of them at the same time. A lot of the time though, I find lesbian JAV to get pretty dull and repetitive after a while, since it can end up being just the actresses moaning while they kiss for several hours. Also, I don’t even know if this is a premise that needs to be lesbian specifically, for reasons that I’ll get into later. However, I do know that the original “Little Match Girl” story by Hans Christian Anderson is popular in Japan, and has a premise that lends itself well to a porno plot.

Let’s set the scene. Our friendly neighborhood gyaru is out on the rooftop or in the girls room or wherever it is that gyaru her age go when they want to cut class and smoke a cig like Bruce Lee did back in his day. But then she finds to her disappointment that she doesn’t have a match.

“Here, try one of these,” a mysterious figure appears out of thin air and produces a matchbook just for our gyaru, and she, in turn, is most grateful for the assistance. When she lights the first match though, our gyaru suddenly finds herself transported to a spoopy, sexy magical realm, where its residents are up to all sorts of saucy things, and they decide to give our gyaru an education on all of love’s highways and byways.

So now we’ve got a gyaru having lesbian sex with multiple women. Or maybe some men are involved. Or maybe some folks outside that binary are present. I don’t know, though at the risk of harshing everyone’s buzz I’m not the biggest fan of trans people being fetishized, and as the ideas man I call the shots, so we’re not gonna have any of that here. For the purposes of this specific premise, let’s stick with the inhabitants of this match world being all women, even if people of other genders could potentially exist here. And each of them does something new and unique with our gyaru, so that each scene isn’t simply a dull repetition of the previous one. Do that enough times, and you’ve got a full set of scenes ready for a full JAV film.

So what about the stinger? What’s the big punchline to make us chuckle as we’re cleaning ourselves up? Simple. In keeping with the source material, the match our gyaru was using burns up, and she is transported back to her normal world. As she looks around, seeing no sign of the mysterious figure, the only proof of her adventures being the empty book of matches in her hand, our gyaru is left to wonder if it was all maybe just a dream. Not a bad way to end, and certainly a lot happier than the ending in the Anderson tale. But if we’re talking about lesbians, what about the gays?

Gay - Santa Claus and Colonel Sanders discover the true meaning of Christmas or... something (I dunno)

I don’t watch gay porn. While I enjoy the silly setup sequences of stuff from Catalina Productions or that one film whose name I can’t say due to it containing no-no words (but Arin Hanson really loves it), like Arin Hanson my interest simply evaporates once the setup ends and the actual sex begins. As such, I can’t really conceptualize what the actual sex acts in this film would be, so if there are any gay JAV fans reading this right now, I apologize for that.

However, I know that Santa Claus and Colonel Sanders are both iconic Christmas characters in Japan, and if A Recipe for Seduction can successfully make the Colonel a sex symbol, well, why can’t we have Santa and the Colonel make love, instead of war?

I can picture it now. Colonel Sanders is feeling lonely Christmas Eve, maybe having a glass of wine as he laments his single status, when suddenly bam! Santa slams open the door, because that’s more dramatic than coming down the chimney, and he whips his head Colonel Sanders’ way before exhaling a seductive cloud of steam (it’s cold, after all). The Colonel gasps, his heart beating the doki dokis as he sees this beautiful man before him, and as Santa whisks off his aviator glasses (he needs those to fly, after all), he assures Colonel Sanders that he’s gonna give him a very special Christmas this year.

And then they have sex and, I dunno, maybe some eleven herbs and spices get involved at some point? Is seasoning dick something that happens in gay porn? I imagine not, but who can say? I know at some point one of them will have to describe the other’s genitals or cum as “finger lickin’ good”, and then I guess they can call their dicks candy canes or sumsuch. Readers of ours who watch gay porn, how am I doing so far?

Anyways, after they’re both finished, Santa says goodbye. He’s gotta get going after coming, he still needs to deliver all his presents. But he assures the Colonel that if he has time, he’ll make certain to swing round the Sanders mansion on his way back home, to which the Colonel replies that he’ll be waiting. End scene.

NTR - Santa Claus is Cucked by the Martians

I don’t watch NTR. The fact that it insists not only on its characters being adulterous but also on the focus being the deep, emotional pain this causes the cuckold leaves me cold and quite frankly baffled. I don’t wish to yuck anyone’s yums, but I just can’t get behind the presentation of someone’s suffering with voyeuristic glee. Still, if there’s any uniquely JAV genre that everybody knows, it’s NTR. Forget tentacles (seriously, stop bringing those up), this is a kind of porn you’ll only find in Japan.

And yes I know, I know, if we’re actually being serious about this parody title, it should probably be “Santa Claus Cuckolds the Martians”. That fits the original movie title much better. But let’s remember that in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians… Santa Claus does not actually conquer the Martians. He simply introduces the magic of Christmas to their cold and logical hearts, and brings a little Christmas cheer to the red planet before returning home.

No, if we’re doing a little NTR here, it makes more sense for the Martians to be the ones cucking Santa than the other way around. After all, in the source material, they were the ones who broke into his house and shanghaied him to their home planet. So this time around, what if when they break into Santa’s workshop, he’s not around? Mrs. Claus doesn’t know when he’ll be back, but she can’t help but be drawn to the Martians’ handsome, rugged charm. And as for the Martians themselves, well, if Mr. Claus is unavailable, then the Missus will just have to do. So they whisk her away to do the things that pirates do to women in those bodice-ripping yarns of old.

…Huh. Now that I’ve laid out the whole premise, I realize it’s not actually quite NTR. Indeed, I sort of wonder if Santa might not catch up to the Martians and join in like the Hoverboard Cuckold. It seems there are quite a few angles to this porno plot worth ironing out. But then again, I’ve gotten carried away enough as it is. This was supposed to be a simple article, but I ended up enjoying the process of coming up with JAV plots so much the stories grew in the telling, as it were. I hope you all had as much fun reading them as I had writing them, and if you have your own Christmas JAV idea, please, tell us in the comments section. Let’s all have a bawdy Christmastime together.

Seriously though, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians had a budget of $200,000. That’s not a lot, but it’s way more than you’d expect given the finished product. Where did the money go!?